Cell, NO!
Most folks in NYC who own cell phones have been doing a very good job of adhering to the unwritten code of NYC public cell phone annoyance. To you, The Curmudgeon says "well done". Keep up the good work. However, it has come to my attention that a (very) few of you still do not demonstrate the proper techniques for annoying others while using your cell phone in public. To that end, this Public Service Announcement should help you create the highest possible annoyance with the least effort expended. Attend.
1. Very Important Person (male version). When you are a VIP (if you have to ask whether you are, then you are not) it is essential that you conduct your public cell phone conversations in the proper fashion. When engaging in a cell phone conversation, it is important to first position yourself where everyone can see and hear you, preferably even have to step around you on the sidewalk or subway
platform. Assume a jaunty Type-A stance (feet apart at shoulder width, head cocked at a decisive angle, perhaps a hand resting confidently on your hip). Hold your phone in such a way that passersby can see that it is the latest, sleekest most expensive model. Be sure to wear a fashionable little fighter pilot headset that tells your audience that you are the Wall Street equivalent of a Top Gun. If your phone rings, answer it brusquely using only your last name, just like the detectives on your favorite TV show. At the appropriate moment in the conversation, raise your voice so that everyone can hear you say "...and I won't accept a penny under two million dollars!!!".* Use simple, imperative sentences like "Fire him TODAY!". Accompany the snapping shut of your phone with a scowl that tells the world that you are a Captain of Industry not to be trifled with. Feign indifference to your admiring audience of tourists, Chinese delivery boys, derelicts and art students.
* increase by a factor of ten for every 10 blocks further downtown you are at
2. Very Important Person (female version). Female VIPs are found predominantly on the UES. They can be identified by their fashionable clothing, expensive handbags, and Pomerpoodleshit-zhus. They are often seen imperiously pushing a German-engineered baby stroller that is larger than my car and features rack-and-pinion steering and independent all-wheel suspension. Female VIPs should always utilize a handsfree earpiece and cord combination with a built-in microphone that inexplicably still requires one hand in order to hold it close enough to talk. In a nasally, privileged voice, assure your conversant over and over again that her husband was definitely wrong in doing that, that the playdate at the 92nd Street Y is still on, and that you can't understand either why the service at Demarchelier's has gotten so bad lately. Periodically, check to see that your child is still breathing.
3. The Angry Boyfriend. Sometimes, lover's quarrels can arise unexpectedly but do try to make sure you are in a room full of strangers when you have that final break-up-over-a-cell-phone conversation with your paramour. Start softly and demurely so that others have to strain to follow your conversation. But when you get to the part where you call her a "dirty lyin' ho who will sleep with anybody" be sure to scream that out at the top of your lungs. And, if you wouldn't mind- also scream out her name and phone number to help those of us who are always looking for a good lead.
4. The College Student. Try to refrain from beginning your cell phone conversations until you are comfortably seated behind The Curmudgeon on an 8 hour Greyhound Bus trip to Pittsburgh. Then, begin to call each and every one of your airhead friends, in alphabetical order. If your service plan allows, conference in two or more of your friends for an even richer experience. If you are a female student, proudly share your religious convictions by repeatedly shouting "Oh m'God... OH my Gaaaaawd" at every opportunity. Turn every declarative sentence into, like, a question? If you are a male student, be sure that every other word is "awwwwwwesome" or "duuuude...". If you are a hillbilly, then you are neither a college student nor can you afford cellphone technology.
5. The Enormously Fat Person. Wait until you are walking down the sidewalk carrying your gigantic shopping bag full of Doritos and Ho Hos that were on sale at the Dollar Store. Be sure that your amazing bulk blocks as much of the sidewalk as possible. Using your free hand, place your call, then slow to a waddle just as The Curmudgeon tries to pass you. If necessary, extend your cell phone arm at a ninety-degree angle to your ear to ensure that The Curmudgeon will have to step into the gutter (and quite likely step in rich folk's dog poop) to get around you. Talk about what you are making for dinner when you get home.
6. The Generic Cell Phone User: Just a few additional pointers for those who may not fall into the categories above.
a. No matter where you at, always make sure your ringer is set to "High and Vibrate".
b. Be sure that your ring tone loudly and proudly proclaims your ethnic background. If you are Irish, set it to play "Danny Boy" so complete strangers will know that you are Irish. If you are Jewish, set it to play "Hava Nagila" so complete strangers will know you are Jewish. If you are black, set it to play a 50-Cent gangsta song so complete strangers will know that you are black.
c. If you are in an enclosed area with no service (the subway, for example) you may still continue to annoy others by passing the time playing games on your phone. As always, be sure the volume is set to "High" so that fellow passengers can enjoy each beep, bloop and whistle.
d. If you speak a language other than English, be sure to talk extra loud and pause occasionally to look around and laugh, so the rest of us think you are talking about us.
e. If you are my boss, my co-worker or any store clerk, please be sure to interrupt me in the middle of my sentence to take a call from a friend, lover or family member. It really could be important this time.
f. No matter where you at, always scream "Where you at?!?!?!?" whenever you make a call.
Fellow citizens, I know that with just a little more adherence to the rules, New York City can become the place we always knew it could be. Thank you for your support.
1. Very Important Person (male version). When you are a VIP (if you have to ask whether you are, then you are not) it is essential that you conduct your public cell phone conversations in the proper fashion. When engaging in a cell phone conversation, it is important to first position yourself where everyone can see and hear you, preferably even have to step around you on the sidewalk or subway
platform. Assume a jaunty Type-A stance (feet apart at shoulder width, head cocked at a decisive angle, perhaps a hand resting confidently on your hip). Hold your phone in such a way that passersby can see that it is the latest, sleekest most expensive model. Be sure to wear a fashionable little fighter pilot headset that tells your audience that you are the Wall Street equivalent of a Top Gun. If your phone rings, answer it brusquely using only your last name, just like the detectives on your favorite TV show. At the appropriate moment in the conversation, raise your voice so that everyone can hear you say "...and I won't accept a penny under two million dollars!!!".* Use simple, imperative sentences like "Fire him TODAY!". Accompany the snapping shut of your phone with a scowl that tells the world that you are a Captain of Industry not to be trifled with. Feign indifference to your admiring audience of tourists, Chinese delivery boys, derelicts and art students.* increase by a factor of ten for every 10 blocks further downtown you are at
2. Very Important Person (female version). Female VIPs are found predominantly on the UES. They can be identified by their fashionable clothing, expensive handbags, and Pomerpoodleshit-zhus. They are often seen imperiously pushing a German-engineered baby stroller that is larger than my car and features rack-and-pinion steering and independent all-wheel suspension. Female VIPs should always utilize a handsfree earpiece and cord combination with a built-in microphone that inexplicably still requires one hand in order to hold it close enough to talk. In a nasally, privileged voice, assure your conversant over and over again that her husband was definitely wrong in doing that, that the playdate at the 92nd Street Y is still on, and that you can't understand either why the service at Demarchelier's has gotten so bad lately. Periodically, check to see that your child is still breathing.
3. The Angry Boyfriend. Sometimes, lover's quarrels can arise unexpectedly but do try to make sure you are in a room full of strangers when you have that final break-up-over-a-cell-phone conversation with your paramour. Start softly and demurely so that others have to strain to follow your conversation. But when you get to the part where you call her a "dirty lyin' ho who will sleep with anybody" be sure to scream that out at the top of your lungs. And, if you wouldn't mind- also scream out her name and phone number to help those of us who are always looking for a good lead.
4. The College Student. Try to refrain from beginning your cell phone conversations until you are comfortably seated behind The Curmudgeon on an 8 hour Greyhound Bus trip to Pittsburgh. Then, begin to call each and every one of your airhead friends, in alphabetical order. If your service plan allows, conference in two or more of your friends for an even richer experience. If you are a female student, proudly share your religious convictions by repeatedly shouting "Oh m'God... OH my Gaaaaawd" at every opportunity. Turn every declarative sentence into, like, a question? If you are a male student, be sure that every other word is "awwwwwwesome" or "duuuude...". If you are a hillbilly, then you are neither a college student nor can you afford cellphone technology.
5. The Enormously Fat Person. Wait until you are walking down the sidewalk carrying your gigantic shopping bag full of Doritos and Ho Hos that were on sale at the Dollar Store. Be sure that your amazing bulk blocks as much of the sidewalk as possible. Using your free hand, place your call, then slow to a waddle just as The Curmudgeon tries to pass you. If necessary, extend your cell phone arm at a ninety-degree angle to your ear to ensure that The Curmudgeon will have to step into the gutter (and quite likely step in rich folk's dog poop) to get around you. Talk about what you are making for dinner when you get home.
6. The Generic Cell Phone User: Just a few additional pointers for those who may not fall into the categories above.
a. No matter where you at, always make sure your ringer is set to "High and Vibrate".
b. Be sure that your ring tone loudly and proudly proclaims your ethnic background. If you are Irish, set it to play "Danny Boy" so complete strangers will know that you are Irish. If you are Jewish, set it to play "Hava Nagila" so complete strangers will know you are Jewish. If you are black, set it to play a 50-Cent gangsta song so complete strangers will know that you are black.
c. If you are in an enclosed area with no service (the subway, for example) you may still continue to annoy others by passing the time playing games on your phone. As always, be sure the volume is set to "High" so that fellow passengers can enjoy each beep, bloop and whistle.
d. If you speak a language other than English, be sure to talk extra loud and pause occasionally to look around and laugh, so the rest of us think you are talking about us.
e. If you are my boss, my co-worker or any store clerk, please be sure to interrupt me in the middle of my sentence to take a call from a friend, lover or family member. It really could be important this time.
f. No matter where you at, always scream "Where you at?!?!?!?" whenever you make a call.
Fellow citizens, I know that with just a little more adherence to the rules, New York City can become the place we always knew it could be. Thank you for your support.
posted by Curmudgeon at 3:12 PM
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