Dr. Phil Goode
Browsing the self-help section at the Barnes & Noble on E. 86th Street the other night made me finally realize what a sick, sick man I really am. Until I saw the wide array of syndromes, phobias, disorders and other assorted afflictions that could be self-treated for only $14.99 ($17.99 in Canada), I thought I was normal. Well, as normal as one could be having survived 12 years of Catholic School and two ex-Mrs. Curmudgeons. But it's abundantly clear to me now that I suffer from Excessive Narcissism (I should be striving for just the right amount of Narcissism), I'm Just Not That Into Her, I Sweat the Small Stuff, I Sweat, and I need to Free Myself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior. I need to Free Myself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior. I need to Free Myself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior.
I tossed and turned in my bed last night, Dr. Phil's steely gaze and shining head shimmering in my vision like some new-age Wizard of Oz apparition. I wonder who Dr.
Phil talks to when he has problems? Oprah? I wonder if he even has any problems? Now there's a guy who has his shit together. My Erroneous Zones shuddered in ecstasy as I tried counting up all the steps one would have to go through to solve all of life's problems, but I soon ran out of fingers. Twelve steps if you're an alcoholic. Seven more if you want to be a highly-effective alcoholic. Five people you will meet when get to heaven. Or is it five virgins? According to the religion I was raised in, dying a virgin pretty much assured you eternal happiness, at least after you die. Unless you've murdered someone or attended a Jewish ceremony or something equally egregious; then you're SOL, virgin or no. I don't think I will meet any virgins after I die, but that's OK with me.
There was one topic missing, though. And that is: how to deal with the pressure of finally realizing that you are a complete and utter wreck and there are more steps required to achieve true happiness than there are days left in your life. If so, which steps should you focus on to salvage at least a part of your miserable existence before it's too late? I vote for "Anger Free- Ten Steps To Managing Your Anger". Ten steps is pretty do-able, and it corresponds nicely with the number of fingers and thumbs that I have (as well as gives purpose to the remaining 7 digits I never use for typing). Best of all, it was only $7.98, which didn't make me nearly as angry as I would have been if I were a Canadian.
I tossed and turned in my bed last night, Dr. Phil's steely gaze and shining head shimmering in my vision like some new-age Wizard of Oz apparition. I wonder who Dr.
Phil talks to when he has problems? Oprah? I wonder if he even has any problems? Now there's a guy who has his shit together. My Erroneous Zones shuddered in ecstasy as I tried counting up all the steps one would have to go through to solve all of life's problems, but I soon ran out of fingers. Twelve steps if you're an alcoholic. Seven more if you want to be a highly-effective alcoholic. Five people you will meet when get to heaven. Or is it five virgins? According to the religion I was raised in, dying a virgin pretty much assured you eternal happiness, at least after you die. Unless you've murdered someone or attended a Jewish ceremony or something equally egregious; then you're SOL, virgin or no. I don't think I will meet any virgins after I die, but that's OK with me.There was one topic missing, though. And that is: how to deal with the pressure of finally realizing that you are a complete and utter wreck and there are more steps required to achieve true happiness than there are days left in your life. If so, which steps should you focus on to salvage at least a part of your miserable existence before it's too late? I vote for "Anger Free- Ten Steps To Managing Your Anger". Ten steps is pretty do-able, and it corresponds nicely with the number of fingers and thumbs that I have (as well as gives purpose to the remaining 7 digits I never use for typing). Best of all, it was only $7.98, which didn't make me nearly as angry as I would have been if I were a Canadian.
posted by Curmudgeon at 11:43 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home